READER NOTE - this blog post was written at different times, in different moods and states of mind, as well as in varying degrees of mentsal and physical pain - please take this post as a representation of feelings that in some cases, are fading - and in other cases are only growing in power. A fuller, more up to date post will arrive tomorrow - which will explain everything in greater detail. For now, just take your time to read the update, and thankyou.
Well, I suppose my multitude of readers out there would like an update in the life of me, wouldn't't they? This is a warning to all readers, some of the subjects in this blog may offend you, I can only apologise in advance for this, and hope I can explain myself through this properly. All I can really say is, at least this post starts off well.
Three weeks ago, I went on a visit to my old friend Royce in Wales, so that I could make a visit to Lampeter university, Wales. Over that weekend, I had a damn good (and slightly confusing) Time. I got to see Battlestar Galactica Razor at long last, and watched Macross Frontier - both of which literally excrete awesome through every possible orifice. In my visit to the uni itself, I was just literally gob smacked by the look of the place, the feeling in the air - and that was before I began the tour, I then ended up sat down in one of the lecture theatres watching student movies for an hour with one of my future lecturers, and then the tour began. We where taken all the way around the university grounds, and my jaw literally dropped when I saw the television studio facilities they had at their disposal, including the live broadcasting van. The two students giving the tour where really helpful to all of us (we even went out and had a talk about some of the things I should expect from my tutors on the off cigarette break - note to self, break Trevor out of going into "long story" mode) and I then had a personal 1 to 1 chat with my future lecturer, a fellow sci-fi nerd by the name of Stave. We sat and talked for at least a half hour about the skills I wanted to pick up from the course, and what I was eventually planning to do, and he was impressed.
I had a damn good time. Once the tour was complete, I spotted the hockey field, and in the hockey field -
- There I found, the "Med Soc"
Or Medieval Society. Basically, think of medieval re-enactment, rather than the Live Action Role Play (L.A.R.P) that I am used to, which is straight up fantasy cross-country pantomime! So I wandered over and stood and watched, and within less than a minute, I had gotten to know the epic nick, and then a girl called "Jamima" or "Jemima" (I cant quite remember which with the spelling) and the next thing I knew, I was discussing my future as a crossbowman, as they had lost two in the past year. I had been yoinked -
- Yoinked by Med Soc.
The next thing I knew, I was carrying their kit back to their house with them, and "Discussing the university" which basically consisted off how an army of outcasts like myself where psychically drawn to here, to invade a small university and village in Wales. Once this was done, kit was dropped - and I was invited into the royal oak pub to drink with them, and much fun was had - until I had to leave.
When it came around time for me to leave - I should have stayed, I should have damn well stayed . . .
I was supposed to head to a small town called cardigan to go and see "The golden compass" with Royce and Kate, instead of doing so - I placed money on the fact there would be a later bus route, which their probably was. In this time, one of the girls from Med Soc actually said to me, if I had to place to stay, they would shack me up for the night (or, knowing my luck - She'd shack me up for the night - DAMNIT!) but I insisted that I had to get back, after all - Royce and Kate would have liked to know where the hell I was, and perhaps what I was doing, so I set off on my way - to Carmarthen.
Apparently, Carmarthen, pronounced in welsh - is Cardigan - or something similar to it. So instead of heading to Cardigan to go and meet Royce and Kate for my lift home, I was heading to Carmarthen - in the wrong direction. I then had to catch a train from Carmarthen to Haverford West for Royce and Kate's dad to swing around and pick me up from the train station.
I eventually got home - but I've regretted that missed chance ever since, so I've decided that at some point when I have the spare money and time, to ask Royce if I can stay for the weekend once more, and make another visit to Lampeter, judging by how impressed my tutors where in Farnborough of me taking my own free time and money and travelling DIRECT to them to organise things, the fact that everything in Lampeter is on site, I should make the right impression on my tutors, and be able to get vital tasks (like grants, accommodations and so on) out of the way while I am lucky enough to be there . . . And to hopefully find Med Soc again, and this time - have my route back planned well in advance, and know which bus to take if I have to. It would be damn good to have some friend in the Uni before I arrive, and you never know, I may actually be able to find that girl again (and you'll find the reason why I'm concentrating on that little event out later).
After my side trip to Carmarthen, and the rest of the weekend, I returned home feeling rather more rejuvenated and looking forward to my future in Wales, to bad I had to return home.
I managed to keep my job in the end, I luckily had a place to return to work too, I then went back to college, back to work - and things fell silent for a few weeks.
Then everything fell apart.
I hadn't talked to my father for weeks, I think the last time I had talked to him, was when I got the original acceptance and invitation letters, I had been in contact with my mother far more than my father, through my money and job problems - she had known, but he had not, I had been meaning to contact him, but always got distracted by something else, or found myself needing to be somewhere else, or doing something else. Eventually - he contacted me on Tuesday, with the news of my full acceptance letter, with more from UCAS following it
I asked if I could visit on Friday (Friday last week) and he said yes, the rest of the week past by with no event. To tell the truth, I was slightly dreading the visit as it had been so long, and Chrissie was going to be there, but I went anyway - and although I took everything she said with a pinch of salt (that much would be obvious by now) I was surprised by how hospitable she was being towards me. I collected my letters and then left for work.
Work passed by without a hitch, and It came to me coming home.
(PLEASE EXCUSE ME READERS, FROM THIS POINT ONWARDS I HAVE TO APOLOGISE TO YOU, EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS IS MAKING ME ANGRY, AND MY OPINIONS WILL BE UN-CENSORED)
To be quite simple, I now live in the believe that well over half of my current generation has to die, and a culture that is growing in strength has to be murdered.
On my long walk home from work that night, I saw a group of youths far in front of me, walking in the same direction, at this time I was quite content and listening to my new
mp3 player (yes, I upgraded, so sue me) and everything was fine until I got to the bridge over the Farnborough Railway bridge. By this time, with my quick walking speeds, I had more than caught up with the group - and was beginning to over take them, when they started to shout at me, at first I thought It may have been something as simple as "can I borrow your lighter" but every time I put the headphones back on, they yelled me again.
As I got to the other side of the bridge, they where behind me, and the headphones where off, and I heard two sounds that still linger in my head - Two loud, clear and hollow cracks, I turned to see the group - there where defiantly 2 girls, and 5, maybe even 6 guys on foot, and another on a bike. I carried on walking as I heard the words "Run bitch run!" from behind me and another sentence that haunts me with the ending "If he turns into Mitchet we . . . " And my head keeps ending the sentence with "We get him" "We rob him" or after the events that followed - the most likely option "We kill him"
A little further on, things began to kick off with the lad on the bike, came up behind me, and attempted to punch me in the right temple as he passed, I heard him coming and ducked - he came for another pass, and the bruise over my right temple reminds me that I wasn't quite fast enough.
At this point I heard someone running behind me, and I turned to see the bike taking another pass, and one of them running at me with a god-damned SMILE on his face, and some kind of weapon in his hand, I cant remember the shape to well - but I can remember it being jet black.
After the two cracks from earlier, I'm fairly certain it was some kind of firearm, but I cant prove anything for or against that fact.
At this point I ran, I just plain ran - the bike came speeding up behind me, and somehow, miraculously went sideways, I don't remember how, I just remember pole vaulting over it and speeding ahead as fast as I could, I didn't stop running until I was next to the college underpass - for a moment I was considering my options of running some more, or hiding - when the bike arrived again, with another one of the group on it - who told me I had 10 seconds to "Fucking run" and he then left. I then kept my stride between quick-walking and running until I got to the college bus stop, when the last of them arrived on the same bike, claiming I had kicked the previous twat off his bike, I hadn't of course - but I wish I fucking well had I just ignored this and tried to pass him, at which point he grabbed me by the shirt, and punched me in the left eye, shattering my glasses and breaking my nose. I ran after this, phoned the police, and then eventually got through my front door, I was dizzy, out of breath and I couldn't't feel my nose, although I could more than feel the blood down my face.
I looked in the mirror in the toilet to see a torrent of blood from my nose, and my lips had been cut open, and where bleeding freely - I was loosing a lot of blood, and so I collapsed to the floor and phoned the ambulance.
Which eventually arrived, and the crew walked through the door to me, just as the same group passed in front of the house - and I remember hearing the words "Fucking good job on his face mate" and my heart beat skyrocketed as the ambulance crew made sure everything was clear, locking the door behind me and getting me to frimley park hospital.
The final result was a fractured nose, which requires being put back in place, and a 3-5 degree offset in the angle of my left eye, which will recover - the main problem is - is that I keep getting these "spats" where I simply cant focus on anything, the world goes fuzzy and stays fuzzy, and I'm unable to focus on anything from 30 seconds, to almost 15 minutes at a time - apparently this will fade away and disappear in time, its just a case of how long this will take.
I then spent the next two hours shifting from doctor to doctor and taking x-rays and getting things shoved into my nose, before the police arrived - and I found out the worst part, almost 10 minutes after I was taken away in the ambulance, a taxi was robbed in north camp (where my road between Farnborough and north camp) by the same group, and another person was attacked in Aldershot a half hour after that. The police took my statement and I was eventually left at 4 am in the morning, scared shitless by the outside world.
All I can feel towards these "youths" is hatred, I've said It before, now I'm afraid because I'm beginning to believe my own words.
Genocide is needed, Period. Hitler should have been born, here and now, today in the united kingdom - and his gas chambers targeted the wrong people. If he was alive today, chavs, and chav culture would have been his Jews.
In all honesty, all they do is waste our money, living for free off of the hard working, and as if that's not bad enough, they seek only to bring down the world around them in the most destructive way possible, they hunted me through Farnborough for FUN. As far as I'm concerned, its either I'm not Human, or their not Human, because human beings do not do that to each other - and the only thing going through my head - is "get your hands on a full suit of L.A.R.P chain mail, take your bat (which hasn't left my side since it happened) and find another weapon, prowl the street - wait for them to attack you again, then fucking kill them, murder them, make them bleed like you did, make them bleed like how the bullies did in Daventry, their all the same - their the bottom dregs of society, they wont be missed, your making the world a better place - just fucking get them in the same place, kill them, snap their necks, torture them before they die - and throw their bodies over the railway bridge, there wont be any evidence to link it back to you Craig - the only problem is, you still have the rest of the country to kill!"
The moment that little thought went through my head, on that night, I curled up into the foetal position and cried in my bed, but the thoughts kept coming.
"Get yourself into a position of power Craig, forget about the film making, go into politics, spend the time, get to where you need to be, get loyal supporters - then take over, make it appear as if their the enemy of the country - then use that to rally support to your cause, bring back the death sentence, raise the drinking and smoking ages again - increase the number of security cameras, everywhere - and give ALL police officers guns, and the ability to kill wherever and whenever they like. Then take the worst of them, and use them as the examples, the murderers, the rapists, the repeat offenders, take them out to a nice public place, and shoot them all in the head. Then comes the banning of all drum and base, and rap music - anything that can be linked to chav culture - the universal banning of all hoodies and hoodie labels, regardless of loss of sails - and the arresting of anyone who refuses to stop wearing them, and their return to the streets only once all items are confiscated. Brining discipline back to education, and those who have been raised by chav families (As in those with low IQ's - come on, you can bloody well tell by the way they talk and act they only have half a fucking brain) to be taken into forced custody and fostership so they have the chance to make something of their god-damned existence.
And for all those who refuse, they will be dragged out, put to their knees and shot in the head."
These where the thoughts passing through my head, my god-damned head - some of these things I can agree with, the crackdown on the behaviour, attitude, music and clothes, the return of discipline to education, but the rest of it sound exactly like the words of some deranged dictator - and they where the words passing through MY head, making me go foetal in my bed and wishing they would stop, feeling my body tense up and go cold, the feeling as if I expecting to be attacked again, and the front door is becoming a challenge.
Every time I get to the door, it seems to become bigger, as does the fear in turning the handle - I have only left the house twice since it happened, to visit my father (who wanted to see if I was okay) after that, I went to work on Monday, and lived in complete fear of having to leave, I was unable to concentrate - and in the car ride there and back - I had my eyes shut, the fear of if I opened my eyes to see them overwhelming me. I'm becoming afraid of the outside world, deathly afraid - If this blog post appears on the internet tonight, it means I managed to conquer my fear and forced myself into college, if it appears later, it means I now have my home internet connection - and I haven't left my house for weeks.
And I have another problem on top of this - my family, who now believe because of one visit I didn't have the time to tell my mother about, and afterwards - she didn't ask about (therefore, with my brain concentrating on the attack, I didn't tell) that I am playing each side of the family off against each other, and an aunt sue who believes I am now busted - but in truth - the night she phoned me on was the worst possible night for her to do so.
My neighbour Gaz has been shadowing me since the attack, making sure I'm at least physically okay, I haven't uttered a word of this blog to anyone, and on Saturday night, he offered to get me very, very high, I accepted.
The next thing I knew, I had my aunt sue claiming I had been busted, over a set of events that I hadn't explained properly to my mother due to the attack, and I thought I had at least explained that - and she was going to phone me back on Sunday when I was sober for an opportunity to explain this properly. She probably thinks I was after more time for an excuse now, as I've had no family contact since this social FUBAR.
Long story short, after the events of the last few weeks, I'm afraid to let anyone female into my life because They'll find some way to hurt me, I'm afraid I've lost my family due to this set of events, and I'm afraid if I try to explain this set of events, their only going to hurt me through it. I'm afraid the world beyond my own front door, and the people in it - who seek to hurt anyone in their way for their own god-damned pleasure.
And I'm afraid to be locked inside this house, with no-one but myself, and my own head making me sound like some deranged dictator to keep me company.
Since this, I've spent my last few days in my room, with Gaz keeping me company during the nights, but otherwise I've been here flitting between gaming and left over college work to try and pass the time and avoid thinking until Gaz comes home and I can pass the time until I'm tired enough to sleep.
This blog was written at 14:25 on Tuesday the 28th of febuary 2008, if It appears on that date, I've conquered my fear - if it appears tomorrow or Thursday - that's not quite the same victory, but good enough to make a start, if it appears much later than that, then I've become a wreck and I'm posting from home, and I don't want to think about what happens then.
-----
Right, time for an update - yes, a blog post inside a blog post, revolutionary? isn't it? XD
I have managed to conquer my fear of travelling beyond my own doorstep, and managed to get a grasp on my own mind. While in the back of my head, this almost primal urge to find and kill the bastards who did this to me still lingers, the active thoughts have passed. After multiple visits, phone calls and other forms of communication backwards and forwards, it turns out that my Aunt Sue was just plain drunk during that phone call that I thought was a social FUBAR, and that explains a lot of fucking things from that wondrous phone call since my mother phoned me on Thursday. As for my father being in contact, I haven't heard a thing - I guess that's where most of Sue's damage lies after that night.
On Monday (which will probably be the day before I post this blog) I go into Frimley park hospital again to have my nose reset to its original position, which will be under general aesthetic, and will give me an opportunity to perhaps get a second hospital bracelet - yay!
which means all of my facial problems will be fixed. On Tuesday (which will probably be the day of this blogs arrival) I will be getting my eyes re-tested, and hopefully I should be getting my new frames within the end of the day, if not by Wednesday - or if push comes to shove, my birthday - which as of this update is only 12 days away.
Its hard to believe I'm pulling up on 21 now.
I'm not really sure what anyone can give me for my birthday in all honesty, there are no longer any items I particularly want, let alone NEED, so by the sounds of things I'm just being sent lots and lots of money to spend on whatever the hell I want, but as I just said - I don't really want anything, so I'm just going to bank whatever I have and save it until I am in dire need once more.
But, there are a few things that I do want, but no-one could really provide to me. After the experiences of the last few weeks, the signs of just how socially inept I really am, and the fact I have to dodge a bunny boiler every day I go to work, and with the time limit of Lampeter now looming over my shoulder - I said before I'm putting the promise of "true love" on hold, now I'm just putting romantic interest of any kind on hold, and after reading the rest of this blog - This decision will make sense. I've been hurt, mentally and physically to many times now, most of the time its not intentional - but the things causing the most damage, are the intentional, the deliberate acts against me. Combine this with the fact that I'm so socially inept I genuinely cant tell if a member of the female gender likes me or not (and their love of clues and being so god-damned cryptic) and the fact I have to explain that causes massive injections of social ineptness into any conversation, if she likes me or not - and oh yeah, my disliking of one-night stands, means - I'm getting nothing, so far my relationship scale goes from me "popping the cherry" (damn I hate that line) with Amy (which I never want to be reminded of() and then waiting damn near a year until I meet Vez, who showed me that, you know - maybe I could have a shot at being happy with someone, until she was stolen from me (not a word, from anyone about that) and then waiting a year and a half, for Heather number 1 to come along and treat "love" as just a word, then came Ellen who I'm not sure what she saw in me, but we all know how that ended - and Heather number 2, who finished my 2 year "dry spell" but then turned out to be a bunny boiler. Between teenage crap and my social ineptness - one girl who I was interested in, and I thought she may have even been interested in me - was driven away from me, and there' another girl in my life - who despite the fact that I've explained to her that behaving cryptically and "showing the signs" is difficult for me to pick up on, then she does it even MORE, and if I just plain ask her if she's interested in me, all I get is a "maybe" and its so fucking frustrating, I just wish for once, I could find that "perfect someone" but the back of my head just states one sentence and then goes silent.
"You have, it was Vez."
But then I think, what was different? Was it the holiday, well yes - that was a big factor, but there was something else there, the way the personalities clicks even though we where in a different country entirely, and back home - we where half a country apart, but with Heather number 1, we were half a country apart, but it was different - and then it clicks - everyone apart from Heather number 2 was below Vez's age, immature - And Heather number 2, for the bunny boiler she is - did not go to university.
I'm not looking for a second Vez, I know that's impossible - what I am looking for however, is that feeling again - that "perfect" feeling, which I would kill for just a taste of again. Who knows, maybe if I continue as I am here, I may find it before I leave - or when I get to Lampeter, I may just have the chance land in my lap - but I figure that I have a far better chance of finding that kind of happiness there, than I do here.
Fleh, in my head this made far more sense than it does on paper - but what the hell. This is the update in the life of me, and for my readers still around at the end of this non-sensical gibberish - There will be a movie update for you soon - one of MY movies! **laughs maniacally**
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